Speaker 1: 0:28

And today I'm joined by Shelley. Hello, shelley, kia ora, how's it been, isa?

Speaker 2: 0:33

How are you?

Speaker 1: 0:34

I am very well. Thank you so much for coming along this morning, shelley. We've known each other for a few years and I'm absolutely honoured to have you on my show Today. We're just going to talk about your journey and share some inspiration from where you've been and where you're heading, really Because, as I said, I've known you for a few years. I've seen you go through some stuff and I really hope that people that are listening to this will get the message of hope, because that's what you are you embody hope and inspiration to me and just absolute strength. So, without further ado, shelley, please tell me a little bit about who you are, what you do, where you live. Yeah, yep.

Speaker 2: 1:24

You're right. I have known you for a few years. It's a privilege to be here with you. It's always good to share stories. I have had a long journey through separation and trying to settle my house and a lot of discouragement along the way, from outside people as well as people close to me. So it always comes down to you really and your determination to get places.

Speaker 1: 1:53

That's right. So let's rewind back a couple of years ago, when we first met. Do you want to share a little bit of that memory? How did we meet? Under what circumstance?

Speaker 2: 2:03

Sure, when I first met you, I was working full time as a support worker, and then my youngest daughter got very ill with chronic fatigue, so I had to stop working and go on a benefit, which is quite an adjustment, especially when you're going for a separation and trying to settle a house.

Speaker 1: 2:24

Yeah, yeah, so you were separating at that time, right? Yes, you just came out of a relationship, a long-term relationship, and you were separating assets. So I think at that time, you were supposed to move out Yep, that's right or selling your house in order to separate the assets, and I think that's something you didn't really want to do. Yep, yeah, do you want to tell me a little bit more about that journey?

Speaker 2: 2:50

Sure. So through the family court process. It's pretty harrowing and there's many people stuck in that system. So I just decided I could stick it out for another two years was my option or just have a big mortgage and keep my house. So I opted for that plan. Yeah, and along the way I found people that could help me, and reaching out to people that sometimes you don't know them to help is a good thing. Talk to people too. Ask your neighbours. New Zealand's a pretty small country. Everyone will know someone who's good at what they do. Likewise, people will know someone who's bad at what they do. But if I listen to the first mortgage broker who said to me oh Shelley, you're a solo mum, you'll never get a house, that's where I would have ended up, but I didn't want to believe him.

Speaker 2: 3:47

So I found other people who had experiences with different mortgage brokers and I came across Sibini so that way.

Speaker 1: 3:56

Oh, so I didn't realise, that he actually went to someone before me. Yes, oh, wow, so you've been turned away.

Speaker 2: 4:03

Yes, and his belief his embedded belief was that solo mums could not get a mortgage on their own.

Speaker 1: 4:13

Wow and on benefit I mortgage on their own. Wow, and on benefit I guess as well. Yeah, right, so because your daughter was unwell, you had to leave your job, go on benefit, as you said. You know and that's not something I think a lot of people don't realize when the marriages break up, there's a whole new shift in identity. That happens as well, because sometimes you can no longer work full time and you have to be there for your children and going on benefit. For some people that's just not ideal.

Speaker 2: 4:42

No, it's definitely not ideal and certainly I faced my fair share of criticism for being on a benefit and how could you do that? And what a waste of your skill set and da, da, da da. But as a support worker, it's pretty terrible if you're out supporting other people but not your own family.

Speaker 1: 5:02

Yeah, yeah, exactly, and like you know who supports the support worker that's right.

Speaker 2: 5:07

Who looks after the carer?

Speaker 1: 5:09

yeah and, and it's still a big discussion these days yeah, because the reason I wanted to have you on my show today was to help other mums, because I deal with a lot of single mums. I don't know what it is, but the last 12 years of my career saw me help so many single mums to get across the line when they were in your position. You know, going to someone, someone would just absolutely destroy the hope because you have to feed that box of you know a couple, maybe buying a house together, have a full-time jobs, not even you know, thinking that there could be options outside of that scenario. So the reason I thought of inspirational people through the journey of my career, of my life, I thought of you immediately. I was like there's this inspiring person that's been through hell and back so to say, if I can say that, and you just come out of the other way and you're just so positive. What keeps you positive? Can you tell me the secret?

Speaker 2: 6:18

positive? What keeps you positive? Can you tell me the secret? Uh, yeah, um, it's not really a secret. But rest, take a break from the busyness of life, just step back and be you. You know, and even if you are numb, you're still you in there and things are changing, yeah, and everything does come down to you at the end of the day, what you decide to do or not decide to do, or how you do it. And you know, I certainly at times could not see a pathway forward for many things in my life. But I just always turn to have an open head, an open mind, an open heart. Listen to your gut, really deeply listen to it, not just on the surface.

Speaker 1: 7:04

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:05

Because if your head, your heart and your gut are in alignment and often when you're in turmoil they're not in alignment, but they will come back to alignment- yeah, because that's the thing, right.

Speaker 1: 7:15

When people are in the thick of the storm, how do you see the pathway? Yeah, how do you go through that?

Speaker 2: 7:23

Yeah. So I mean, I've been seen in some pretty catatonic states and I remember one day and we were walking, a friend and I that lives up the valley. We were walking, a friend and I that lives up the valley. We were walking up the valley and I wanted to race on like a bull at a gate and my friend said to me just slow down. So we slowed down to her pace and I was a bit like, oh, come on, we've got to get going. But actually we stopped and we literally smelt the flowers and we looked at the animals and the fields and the green rolling hills and all this great stuff that was just around, you know. And then up in the valley was this bird flying and I remember thinking, okay, that's like an eagle soaring. And here I am at rock bottom. One day I'll be just like that eagle soaring. How I was going to get there, I had no clue, but you just got to carry on.

Speaker 1: 8:22

Wow, I just got goosebumps from that story. Thank you, shelley. So how do you feel right now? Do you feel like an eagle soaring?

Speaker 2: 8:30

Do I feel like an eagle soaring? I sort of feel like one of the flock. Yeah, you're just in amongst all these people that have all got a story. Some are at the ground, some are just trying to take off, some are flying already.

Speaker 1: 8:47

Where are you in life right now? Somewhere.

Speaker 2: 8:50

Somewhere in there, yeah, capable, believing in myself, sharing my story.

Speaker 1: 8:58

What did it mean to you when you were going through that journey of trying to buy your own house from you and your ex? Yeah, you know separation wise, yeah. And then you came to see me and I said, shelley, we may be able to help you. Yeah, are you ready for this repayment?

Speaker 2: 9:18

Yeah. So I was a bit like oh, you know, this is going to be crazy. I mean, I always knew it would be crazy. The family court is pretty relentless and unforgiving, so you have to choose wisely. Pretty relentless and unforgiving, so you have to choose wisely. And I remember, um, just that feeling of wow, all these people that have come, you know, and and just that whole teammanship of people that have recommended others, people that have supported you, that you get there and you just think, wow, I can take a big sigh of relief now because it's going to happen. You've just got to wait for the process to come through and signing of things, and I think, too, nobody at any point said, oh no, don't do that, that's a terrible idea. It was always like we can make things happen. There's always going to be a way.

Speaker 1: 10:22

And the thing is as well I remember about you through our journey together is that you always came with a friend. You always had a friend with you at the appointments. Yeah, and I thought that's beautiful because you were going through a very challenging time at the appointments. Yeah, and I thought that's beautiful because you were going through a very challenging time in your life and it was nice to know that you were supported by people that you know cared for you, that loved you, but also wanted to make sure you're not making any silly decisions. Yes, so to me it was a message to all the other single mamas I'm dealing with, or single papas I'm dealing with, or single papas out there that you know have that person, find your person, have that person with you for that support, because when you're in that thick of a storm, you're not thinking properly, right?

Speaker 2: 11:08

Yeah, that's right, and part of that, too, was because having to come to Waiaka and I I was not in a good frame of mind to be driving a car, because I'm not thinking about driving, I'm thinking about 25 million other things. So, having a friend for safety A to get to my destination safely, but B to have a friend that is there. Everyone needs someone to hold their hand and be there.

Speaker 1: 11:36

Yeah, and also when it comes to finances, I find not many. I mean New Zealand as a whole. I find we don't have the level of financial literacy no, that should be there right and people make choices that ultimately may not be good for them, like getting you know in really high percentage debt, high interest debt, you know. Or racking up all the credit cards and thinking I'll pay that off later, getting after pays, et cetera. What has been your journey with the financial literacy?

Speaker 2: 12:11

So I did have a credit card and as soon as I'd paid it off I cut it up. Yeah, never used one again If I needed it, I just saved up, went with it. Yeah, I think that people get into a lot of financial strife with those you know buy now, pay later. Have a credit card, whatever you want to call it buy now, pay later have a credit card, whatever you want to call it. In my mind, that helps people to live outside of their means, really.

Speaker 2: 12:44

Why? Why do you think people are doing that? I think there's a multitude of reasons. I don't think there's one sort of simple answer. Certainly, at this point, I think people do that because it's just plain survival in a cost-of-living crisis. Really, everything's going up. It's harder, you know. Power's going up, food's going up, everything is going up. So what do people look for? A quick and easy fix generally, and applying for a credit card or you know, buy now, pay later, is just easy to do. It's easily accessible. Personally, for me, that doesn't serve me well. Going forward.

Speaker 2: 13:29

So, I knew, when I cut up my credit card, like I was very solid in that decision to never want to use it again.

Speaker 1: 13:37

Yeah, so what are your alternatives to a credit card? If you need to buy something online, what do you do?

Speaker 2: 13:43

Oh, I don't have internet banking. I don't do online shopping. I'm not one of those people. Yeah, all of that stuff causes me great stress because I just think it's temptation for people. Yeah, and people are vulnerable. If you're in a situation where you're buying things on a credit card or you know, buy now, pay later, you're vulnerable.

Speaker 1: 14:07

Yeah, yeah, and that's what I'm finding as well. Yep, as well. Yep, because what I found through my journey in the financial world is that right now, we live in this world of instant gratification. Right, we want things instantly. You want to hit something up? You go to the microwave, press a button, you got it. I mean, I grew up in a country where, if you wanted something to be hit up, sometimes you had to go outside and make a fire because the electricity would be off, you know, and we didn't have a microwave, so I had to make a fire to make myself tea. So I find that we live in a world right now where everything is at your fingertips, literally On your phone. You go online, you're scrolling through Instagram or TikTok, and all those ads pop up that make you feel like, if you purchase this item, your life will be much better.

Speaker 1: 14:59

Yeah, and, as you said, I think rightly pointed out that vulnerability of not feeling. If you're in the moment of not feeling good enough about yourself, you think by buying those things, even though you don't have money for it, by using those facilities, it may help you get ahead. But what horrified me recently was when I saw afterpay available on groceries, and to me it's an area of no return, because the moment you start buying groceries on afterpay, you can't get out of that cycle. Because imagine, you buy something today and then you've got four payments coming out right, but it's four weekly payments and then next week you have to go grocery shopping again, and then what? So it just keeps spinning, and spinning, and spinning from there.

Speaker 2: 15:51

Yeah. So, you have to make some tough choices. Yeah, have you been teaching?

Speaker 1: 15:54

make some tough choices. Yeah, have you been teaching your girls about that?

Speaker 2: 15:58

Yeah, my children have seen me worry about putting food on plates and how are we going to do things. And you know, during a lockdown I had reported some fraud that my ex-partner had committed against me using my name and my bank card got swallowed. So I went through a lockdown with my children with no money and no access to food. So I certainly know tough times and my children have seen me get out of that. My children have seen our village come and help us, because You've got to leave things non-contact and do this and do that and not drive five kilometres past your house to figure out ways. So certainly yes. And people would say but if you had a credit card, wouldn't that be so much easier? Probably not, because then I'm stuck in a financial cycle. So let's just not get stuck in another cycle when we don't need to be.

Speaker 1: 16:54

No, no yeah.

Speaker 2: 16:55

And also growing. Grow your own fruit and vegetables. I know that the cost sometimes seems expensive when you're buying fruit trees to plant, but actually look after them, nurture them. They will give you food for a long time to come.

Speaker 1: 17:12

That's right, I mean at the moment, fruits and veg is more expensive than a bag of chips and Coke. Right, it's cheaper to buy junk food.

Speaker 2: 17:21

Yeah, but the fruit and veggies will fill you up for longer. That's right. That's what it weighs to my children. Nutritional food might be, on the face of it, more expensive, but money is only one part of nutrition.

Speaker 1: 17:34

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:35

Why the stuff that would cost a little bit more? I help at the Fruit and Veggie Co-op so we get fruit and veggies for $15 every week.

Speaker 1: 17:44

Oh, wow, yeah, I should join that.

Speaker 2: 17:46

Yeah, I always tell people to join. You know it's always in season, it's always fresh. Yeah, there's always extras to order. You know it's affordable for people. Yeah, it's affordable if you're a single person living alone. It's affordable if you're a couple. It's affordable if you've got a family.

Speaker 1: 18:08

Yeah, and that's the thing I think there's so much out there that people just have no idea about. Yeah, and that's why you know why people like you coming onto this and sharing that knowledge, sharing that experience. I hope, if it helps even one more person to know how to save money or how to get better with money, that's a win right? Yep, if you can change someone's life for the better.

Speaker 2: 18:29

Yep, and again it comes back to that scrolling. It's instant. If you need it, just look up carpety fruit and veggie co-op. It'll take you to the link. It tells you all in the pinned post what to do, straight away it's pretty simple, yeah yeah, but I think too it's, you know, back in the day, idle hands. I think a lot of this online scrolling that people do these days is the updated version of idle hands, you know.

Speaker 1: 18:58

So what do you think people back in the day have done?

Speaker 2: 19:00

Well, like you said, they teach their kids how to build fires out in the back garden and how to Knitting. You know, cook potatoes in the damper and all of that on their fire in the back garden. They learn how to knit or sew, or the life skills. Yeah, have conversation. I mean I don't have TV in my house, so it's all about conversation in my house.

Speaker 1: 19:26

Hold on a second what you don't? Have a TV in your house, no. Wow, no, we haven't had a TV for a long time, so no Netflix, no Disney Plus channels, no, all sorts of subscriptions that you have to pay money for as well.

Speaker 2: 19:42

That's amazing, shelley. Just a waste of money, in my opinion, and you're saving electricity as well, yeah. That's a double win. I think, you know what teaches you in life? No TV or device can teach you things. People teach you things, yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:00

See, and that's the whole idea of why I've decided to do this because I feel like I've come across so many people in my journey across. You know that they have so much knowledge and wisdom to pass on, and it's an absolute pity if we don't do this, if I don't get people like you sharing their stories of survival and now thriving really. So what do you do now? Are you back to your support worker role?

Speaker 2: 20:29

So what I do now? I work at the warehouse stationery two days a week, which is great. It's a good job. It's a lovely place to work. It's a good team.

Speaker 1: 20:40

I'm obsessed with stationery.

Speaker 2: 20:44

Lots of people are, apparently, and I still hold my volunteering roles. I volunteer at Loved for Life, I volunteer for Dementia New Zealand. I volunteer at the Food and Veggie Co-op. I help at community lunches at St Paul's on the fourth Saturday of every month. Oh, wow, you do a lot. I do a bakery run every Friday afternoon and take food to people that are in need. Wow, yeah, I do a lot. It's always good to do a lot.

Speaker 1: 21:15

You know one thing you just confirmed for me. That's always been in my mind and I always look around great people and look at the qualities, what qualities they have. You know what qualities great people have? And that's giving. Because what I find is when people give freely and happily, they usually get tenfold in return, and that's what keeps them positive and that's what keeps them going, even when they're going through rough times. But when they're able to give to someone else as well, it's just incredible show of character and the strength in the character. So you've just reconfirmed it for me, despite of everything that's going on in your. So you've just reconfirmed it for me, despite of everything that's going on in your life. You're volunteering at all these places. But, shelley, tell me one important thing that I always like to find out, especially from my clients, so to speak budget. What's your view on the budget and have you got one in terms of day-to-day?

Speaker 2: 22:13

budget. Yep, definitely have a day to day budget. Sometimes it looks a bit thin and if there is extra money, save it. Just put it away. Yeah, use that for emergencies. Or you know, I have animals. There's two cats and a dog in our household, so sometimes things come up with them and you need to pay. Vets are not cheap. Budgets are important, so are automatic payments. Just every week, I pay a little bit off the power bill. Every week I pay a little bit off the rates, rather than wait for a big whack to come in and then shit, I've got to find thousands of dollars. How am I going to do that? Save the scramble and just pay a little bit. Yeah, um, certainly there's a lot of advocates out there if you need things like that. Uh, there's budgeting advice in coastlands. They're very good. Is it free? Yeah, okay, yeah, there is also a beneficiary place in Waikanae. I've heard about that. Help you to access the right entitlements through WINS and the IRD and things like that yeah.

Speaker 2: 23:34

So if you need those resources, use them, yeah.

Speaker 1: 23:38

The support is there right, and that's again another thing that I find. Not many people realise how much support is actually out there to help them to get back on track. Have you always been good with money?

Speaker 2: 23:54

Probably yes is the answer to that. My grandfather was an accountant for David Jones in Australia, so I had a good role model in him really, and I think there's no shame in asking for support on your journey. A lot of people are very fearful of asking for help for fear of persecution and judgment. But you know, I say, let them judge you. There'll be lots of people out there that can tell you a whole different story about me, but they haven't lived my life or my journey. They haven't felt what I felt. They haven't cried the tears or not cried the tears that I've cried, and I mean I hate't cried the tears or not cried the tears that I've cried, and I mean I hate crying at the best of times, but there's some people that I can tell you have seen me cry.

Speaker 1: 24:47

Yeah, I remember our first appointment.

Speaker 2: 24:49

I think we both cried and then we cried again. Yeah, but I hate crying. But you know, sometimes that's just how life takes you to do these things. You know when you're doing it there is no shame and people do want to help. Even if people seem like they don't want to help, they really do. You know, even the first mortgage broker said to me oh Shelley, you're a solo mum. You know he wants to help people. He just doesn't want to help solo mums on a benefit.

Speaker 1: 25:16

Well, I can help them, that's fine.

Speaker 2: 25:17

Yeah, that's right, you see, but he's given someone else an opportunity.

Speaker 1: 25:21

Yeah, and I'm grateful to him to be honest. Thank you, mr Broca. Yeah, shelley, tell me now so you live in your house right now?

Speaker 2: 25:30

I do live in my house right now With your girls, the one that I helped you sort that a few years ago.

Speaker 1: 25:36

Yes, what are you doing with the house now? Are you obviously growing your own veggies and fruits?

Speaker 2: 25:41

Yes, yes, a garden is always a good thing to have, although it's a little bit overgrown at the minute.

Speaker 1: 25:46

Yeah, but spring is here so it's okay, You'll get it sorted for summer. Any renovations Are you planning any renovations? Are you planning to sell the house, buy a new one? What's your plan for the?

Speaker 2: 25:57

future. Well, I don't like these new houses that are being built where you can put your hand out the window and touch a neighbour's hand, so I'm always grateful for my little house up on the hill. I think the good thing is that it's a big house really, and I've been able to have borders through my house, and so that has helped me be able to keep my house. It's also kept other people in housing and given them company when they've needed it. I've started dating a man 18 months ago I know what a surprise. I never saw it coming and so he's going to move in with me. We're going to combine households and children and blend families.

Speaker 1: 26:42

I'm so happy for you, shelley. You know, considering again where I met you a few years ago and where you've been and where your heart has been, and how your heart got broken and you put it back piece by piece and now you've got a man. Yeah, I hope he treats you right because you're one incredible human. Yeah, hand on heart, you know you are, you are amazing.

Speaker 2: 27:05

Yeah, and he's a very kind, gentle man too. Yeah, that's lovely. That's all I ever wanted was a good, kind man who wanted to be my friend and do things with me. So I've certainly got the jackpot with him.

Speaker 1: 27:20

And I'm sure it's the same for him. I'm sure he's got the jackpot with you, shelley. That's incredible. Thank you, I'm so happy for you. So you're going to be moving in together, blending in families. Hopefully that goes for the children. Well, they're older now, right?

Speaker 2: 27:34

Yeah, hopefully that goes for the children Well, they're older now, right, yeah. Teenagers, yeah, and they're 20s now. So yeah, different dynamics again. But just treat them, meet them where they're at. Yeah, you know, come alongside them.

Speaker 1: 27:48

Yeah, so just absolute testament to show that you can go through an absolute storm in your life, come out of the way from a relationship, be a solo parent and then meet someone incredible. Yeah, right, yeah. Take rain of your finances, keep the roof over your head and your children's and your cat and you know cats and dog yeah, that's incredible. Have you got any final words of wisdom to share with people that are listening that could be in a similar position to where you've been a few years ago?

Speaker 2: 28:20

Yeah, I think you know, use your village and if you don't know your village, get to know them. Slowly but surely, Stick in there and you know, when things seem bleak and impossible, just never underestimate the power of believing in yourself and how things can go and also the choices that you can make. Yeah, yeah, because you don't need a TV. If people ask about my amusement, what is my amusement? Or entertainment?

Speaker 1: 29:01

Yeah, how do you keep yourself entertained? Oh?

Speaker 2: 29:03

Spotify.

Speaker 1: 29:04

Yeah, yeah music. Is it a paid version of Spotify?

Speaker 2: 29:09

Yes, because I've got a family. So all six spots of mine are taken up.

Speaker 1: 29:15

So I can't join your Spotify family, oh unfortunately not.

Speaker 2: 29:18

But it's pretty reasonable. That is my only. Well, I don't know what you call it.

Speaker 1: 29:25

Your splurge.

Speaker 2: 29:26

Yeah, that is my splurge, that's my entertainment thing, yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:32

No, that's incredible. Shelley, thank you so much for coming today and sharing your journey and sharing words of hope and wisdom for those that really probably need this right now, especially in the tough times that we're living with the whole, you know, cost of living crisis and sharing tips of how to save money. Really, and it's just basic. It doesn't need to be something extraordinary, no, no, it's back to basics.

Speaker 2: 30:00

Yep, you know, even if you can save $1 or $2 a week, I mean, that's what I used to do and people used to think it was hilarious. But you know it does all add up and it doesn't. Everything is all so very glorified and big and huge, but actually just take a step back, start somewhere and build yourself. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 30:27

That's incredible. Thank you so much and have a lovely week ahead.

Speaker 2: 30:31

Thank you. Thank you for the privilege of coming and sharing. It's been awesome to have you. Thank you, Shelley. Thank you.